“Thou Whom Asketh, Payeth”


Swipe left, swipe right, ugly, ugly, wtf, ewwwww, fake profile, you cant be real, swipe left, swipe right- IT’S A MATCH!!!! New Message!

” Hey whats good ma?”

Lordt, did he just call me “ma”?!? Ok, ok let me not be all bourgeois and give this man a chance. I’m not tryna die alone because I’m just too picky for no reason.

Message after message, just regular small talk; what do you like to do? Where are you from? What kind of movies do you like? What are you looking for in a relationship? The conversation wasn’t bad at all. This guy is actually really cool.

“Hey, you wanna get a drink on Thursday?”

So we agreed to go to Buffalo Wild Wings to get a drink, food and watch the game. This is like the perfect date for me! This is going to be great!!

It was a very cold and rainy day when Thursday came around. When I arrive at BW3s it was raining too hard so I didn’t want to just get out the car, especially if he wasn’t there yet.


Well, what in the cracked out Khalifa is this shit, WHOSE MANS IS THIS!!!!This man looked absolutely positively NOTHING like his profile picture!! He doesn’t even look like his profile picture if I squinted my eyes and tilted my head a little bit. So in this moment, I had two options, get food & chalk it up as a loss or RUN FOR THE MOTHA FUCKIN HILLS!!! I was hungry- so you know which I chose.

So we walk inside and I ask if we can sit at the bar so that we can watch the game, order drinks and it’s just a lot more casual than sitting at a table. Bar tender comes over, “You guys ready to order?”- he looks at me and responds “well I already ate before I came here, but I’ll take a beer.” Now, when we first made these plans to meet up I asked this man, if he wanted to go somewhere with food so we can eat or did he want to just go to a bar and get drinks. BW3s was agreed upon because we said WE WERE GETTING FOOD!!! Excuse me? You ate already? So why are we here? BRUH!

Whatever, I’m just going to order a sampler, a beer and watch the game.  Little small talk here and there so I’m not being rude and everything is going to be okay!

Click click click, he couldn’t get enough of his phone!! Whatever was going on in there was way more interesting than me, the game or my small talk cause he ignored the hell outta me all night. Why didn’t I run for the hills, why didn’t I just take my black ass HOME!? When this game is over, I’M DONE, I’M OUT!!! Bye Bye!

Mid beer sip, he gets up and goes….well in the moment I didn’t know where he went. I really thought he just left. I didn’t lie to my damn face but I’m the one who’s getting ditched? Well, ain’t that some….

Literally, 10 minutes had gone by, and the game was over, wait did I just get stuck with the bill too?!? Like why is this my life?!?! And some of you might be thinking, well he only had one beer, you should be able to pay, equality, blah, blah , blah. I DID NOT ASK HIM ON THE DATE!!!! Regardless of what I chose to eat, etiquette says “THOU WHOM ASKETH, PAYETH” -Unpop Proverbs

So being the person that I am, I paid. He wasn’t coming back in my mind and I was over it for sure. So as I’m signing the receipt getting my stuff he comes back in. This man looks in my face with all seriousness and asks ”  Do you have jumper cables?”giphy.gif

Man what? Do I have what? Were you tryna dip out on me and your car wouldn’t start? It was so sad it was hilarious! Well, I didn’t have jumper cables, and I absolutely not going to call AAA for this man either. I was ready to go! Go! Go! Go!

As I’m walking to my car I see him on the phone, calling someone. Like bruh, no one is going to jump your car IN THE RAIN! I turned my car on, plug in my phone to the aux cord cause at this moment I needed some real ratchet music to get over how annoyed I really was. And my phone starts to ring- ITS HIM!

” Hey, I’m not going to be able to get my car jumped tonight do you think you can drop me off at my spot?” MAN WHAT?!? My mind just kept saying “don’t do it! go home! use the force!” But because I’m such a firm believer in good karma. You shouldn’t kick people when they’re already down. I agreed.

I put his address in my GPS and turned up the radio because I just wanted to get him home. Says his house was 10 minutes away. I can survive 10 minutes. As we are driving HE WOULDN’T STOP TALKING!! LIKE SHUT THE HELL UP!! I DON’T CARE!!! This whole night has had one too many cluster fuck moments for me. I just want it to be over.

We pull up to his house and he wouldn’t get out!! “You should come in and chill for a little bit, we can smoke and sip on something.” BOY IF YOU DON’T TAKE YOUR CRACKED OUT WIZ KHALIFA FACE ASS OUT ME CAR!!! But I politely declined, “I have to get up for work, I’m just gonna call it a night. Sweet baby Jesus and Obi-Wan Kenobi, somebody give me the strength. He gets out and I go home.


I’ve had perfectly wonderful evenings, this wasn’t it!

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