Friendertale: “That thing I like”

Tinder, Badoo, OKCupid, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, Black People Meet, Christian Mingle, and Match.com . So many sites, same results so she decided to try something new.

There’s always something so fun about a boat, or a cruise whether it’s just a mini cruise in your harbor. Lonely Island described the feeling best “ Take a picture, trick (trick) I’m on a boat, bitch (bitch) We drinking Santana champ, cause it’s so crisp (crisp)”. The boat really negates the fact that the purpose of said cruise is to “mingle” with other like minded, age appropriate singles that also wanted to try something out of the box. Speed dating and single mixers can sometimes be awkward. Approaching random people that you know nothing about and hoping for a connection of some type. And since you’re in person, unfortunately, there’s no block button. (How amazing would that be?)

Drinks and good music, she was content with that alone because dance is life. But she was so disappointed by the turnout of people. She’s not shallow but the fact that everyone on this boat looked like they were in that 30+ group. But how can you not have a good time ON A BOAT, even if prince charming wasn’t there to sweep her off her feet?

The cruise was almost over and no such luck but she had a great time so the day didn’t feel like a waste of time. He literally came out of nowhere. Where was he hiding the whole night? Did he see her from afar and was just too nervous to say anything? Whatever motivated him to shoot his shot, she was glad he did. He invited her to join him at the “after party” to get drinks and get to know her a little better. That first night he was the perfect gentleman and things seemed to be off to a great start.

The next few week through text his mannerisms just seemed to be too much too fast. He expected her to do certain things as though he had some entitlement to her as if they were in a relationship. In reality, he was showing signs of a stage 5 clinger and her spidey sense were tingly. A week or so went by after traveling and chasing her dreams he invited her over.

When she arrives his home is less than up to par for a man that is inviting a woman over. No extra pillows for guest comfort, no real bed just a flat ass futon style contraption, stuff all over the floor as if cleaning up was just too much of a task. But to be honest she just wanted to get laid. While laying there doing absolutely nothing she gets a text from a friend making sure that her flight got in safely. He flips the hell out, telling her it’s rude to text in bed as if they were doing something so amazing in that moment, he didn’t even have a television.

The kissing and fondling begins and it’s as though this grown man doesn’t know women anatomy. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling for or what he’s trying to accomplish, aimlessly rubbing as though he was a DJ and her body was a hit song in the club. He is built and stacked with muscle so a man that hard body gets heavy when on top. She suggested a change of position because he was getting heavy. Instead of just obliging and keeping the mood going this ass turned it into a point to body shame responding with “ let’s not talk about somebody being heavy.” Who raised this man? How dare you? She was a full figured woman when you met her, she had curves from head to toe when you approached her on that boat, her hips were wide when you aggressively tried to mark your territory via text. How dare he? Maybe it was her desire for sex than to deal with his fuckboyism. It’s crazy how being horny will blind you from slapping the shit out of a motha’ f&@#.

She ignored his statement of ignorance and they continued. He glides off her underwear and she knew that all the fuckboyism will be made up for with some bomb ass head. As he approaches her below he suddenly stops for no reason at all. Puzzled as to why yet again there was a pause in her getting laid. “What is the issue?” she inquired. “It’s hairy” he responded. HAIRY! HAIRY! FUCKIN’ HAIRY?!?! She knew for a fact that was a lie. She knew that she always kept herself up to par and tho it had been a week since shaving there was just no way. Even if there was some hair some stubble, once you’ve hit 25+ worrying about hair, well it’s childish. Men expect women to go down on them with a whole damn forest at the base. And quite frankly the only humans out there without hair on certain parts of their body are children.

All she wanted was to get laid. All she wanted was that toe curling, breathtaking, sweat in you curls, I might make him breakfast in the morning sex. But for whatever reason, he kept avoiding it at all cost. He kept avoiding sex but in all seriousness looked at her and requested that she does that thing he likes. That thing he likes? This man enjoys women jacking off his dick with their feet! THEY ARE FEET!! FEET! Not hands but feet!! The dynamics and skill that has to even come with using your feet.  She felt dirty and like her morals had just flown out the window in that moment. The night was a complete bust, she never got laid, not a good night’s sleep, not even breakfast the following morning. But he did get cussed out.

She could have gone home in her own bed and comfortably went to sleep but her time was wasted. Did she get laid ,no? Yet another fabulous fuckboy caught and released back into the wild to find another willing to play his games.

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